Unspoken

Sometimes the sense of parting gives me a panicky feeling. I'm always like this, I don't know why. And this led me to think that if ever you'll go, I have to tell you one way or another that I love you. This realization just hit me one rainy morning when I found myself anticipating the day ahead with you and I can't help but smile as I rush eagerly outside to see you. You make me laugh. You open doors for me. We argue and discuss, but most of the time we agree on the same things. Everyday you sink deeper in my heart.

I love you. Isn't it obvious? There were moments that I feel the urge to speak, but my tongue gets caught up in the turmoil. I get so intense in showing you what I feel that the words are lost along the way, unspoken.

My box of chocolates...

Recently, my thoughts are so full of this person that I'm getting cheesy, I think.

I haven't felt like this in a long time and it scares me sometimes. This is a surefire way towards heartache! But the feeling won't go away, so I might as well get a closer look. Objectivity kills romance, you know.

I remember Forrest Gump saying, "My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

I'm beginning to think he's is my box of chocolates...

We always start our days like normal people, with normal lives separate from each other. We'd talk like normal friends would do but underneath it all a current of anticipation is running haywire, sometimes it's so physical I feel the tension in my neck. Ah! Pressure. A smile and there would be a tightening in my gut. A touch, and the warmth travels even lower.

When I turn my head for a kiss, he was always there ready to receive. Or to give. I would be lost in that briefest moment when he would look at me as our lips meet that I can't help but close my eyes and surrender. I don't know what was in that kiss that makes my blood rush into my head and makes me lightheaded. I've met a lot of people and I've been kissed by some of them but never like this. His has a gentle quality to it, a sweetness, the kind of kiss that never invades but offers me the opportunity to open up as much he does. There are moments when my heart's racing I'd close my eyes and all I feel is his skin touching mine and everything falls away, like a rollercoaster breaking away from the rail in a free fall.

But sometimes I don't know what to make of him. I could easily love him but only at my own risk, never his. He's someone I know I can't hold on to, him being a free spirit. More like sand in my hands, really. The moment that I decide to close my hand on him, I know he'd slip away.

In my mind's eye, there is a song by Darren Hayes that best describes him that says:
I don't wanna have to lie bout what's inside when there's always been a tiny part of me I'm trying to hide,I don't wanna see your expression when I let you down
And I just want you to love me Oh I just want you to love me

friendship on fire

I missed him today. And yesterday,too.

But I want to take this slow. No rush. No pressure. Because first and foremost, he is a friend. If all else fails, I will not harm this friendship.

I like him because he is a totally honest person, and by this very virtue I react as honestly. I've always felt that being too vocal about one's feelings is a dangerous thing to do, people take advantage of you or take you for granted knowing that you will always accept them no matter what they have done to you. But he has this sweet quality that I can't resist, it makes me want to bare my heart (not just my heart, actually.:-))

We always have an intelligent conversation, which is something that is very hard to have with a man. Men like to talk about sex, or about themselves but never really listens to you. Conversations and comfortable silences in between can be very seductive, a form of foreplay. It sets the mood for the things to come, a common ground for understanding each other.

I like him because I know he does not make promises that he can't keep. I don't, too. No false hopes for me. It takes courage not to speak of things we don't mean just because someone needs to hear it. And I like him that way.

We both respect the space we have set for ourselves. Relationships are like trees. They don't grow fully if they are too close. No judgments, no confrontations. Just easy loving and mutual affection.

He asked me once if I love him already, and I can't answer him right away. If I spoke of it, then I can never take it back, a point of no return.

Our friendship's volatile, I don't know where it's going, how far it's going. I burn but this is a fire I can't really show. Though I'm sure he knows.