love pains

It seems I'm always crying these past few days. The tears seems to flow without my permission. In the middle of my routine, I'd suddenly feel this little pain in my chest and I'd feel the heat on my cheeks. Even if I try to stop,my eyes sting and I would rush to put on my eyeglasses in place so no one would see. I cry in the middle of my excel sheet. I cry when I hear songs whose lyrics would catch me unawares. I cry in the middle of my Marlboro...I cry when a friend says something cheesy. And this is because of this one person.

And he doesn't know that I'm hurting, that he's hurting me. And that's what pains the most. Feelings unrequited. I let my guard down, I let my heart show. I love him, but I can't. Because if I do, I'd surely perish. But I want to, though I will try not to. Crazy, huh? And silly. I've been into relationships before that has crashed and burned, but this one took me by surprise. I've always thought that love takes time, that it grows into the partnership. But this one, it punched me in my blind side and so I wasn't prepared. And it's all my doing. So this battle's with myself, really.

Goodbyes are so hard when you can't really let go, knowing you don't have any choice. I think the hardest battle is the war with one self, because you lose one way or another. A friend asked me today, "How will you know when is the time to give up?" and I said that "it is when your hurting too much". And she said, "that's a no-brainer! You hurt both ways, so what should I do?". My only answer is, " choose between two evils, then". Hurt as you love love him, or hurt as you let go of him...

Maybe loving without feeling pain is no love at all. You want the person you love to love you back, to appreciate you, to stay. You want to possess them, to be at your side always, to walk with you at the same pace, at the same time. They say love is a two-way street, but most often than not it's already too late to realize that you're walking alone. But at the same time, you want them to be free. Free to love you, to possess you, without guilt or second thoughts. Love manipulated is no love at all, too.

Ah, love pain! To feel joy, knowing it's going to end. It's like seeing a falling star, with all it's intensity and light gone so soon even before your wish could ever be finished.

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