Speechless

…since the start of April. I even missed some of my favorite memes which I often play. I‘ve been meaning to write but I can’t put these thoughts into sensible sentences. There are things running through my head that I wish to verbalize but as soon as the words form, they vanish into thin air and I’ve been *whining* about it to my bff Anne. She says it’s my defense mech from facing certain issues.

Hmpf. Maybe. Ok, fine. I am. On defensive mode. **arms crossed**
Whew! I haven’t felt this confusion before, the undecided kind . Maybe I’m at this point in my life where I am waiting for something to happen but scared to death that there will. But don't worry about me ;), I'm not the kind to plod along through the day with heavy shoulders and dragging feet. I always find small joys in my life that keeps me sane. It's just that there's always this something at the back of my head, you know.

For one thing, I keep thinking about little Tati. I met her one ordinary day in February, and I instantly liked her. JV, my heart, brought her in the office so they can be together (the child's in the custody of the mother, but with due respect to JV, I don't want to delve into their issue here). I arrived late (*sigh* as usual) and I saw her sticking my colored post-its on my table. She was wearing a red dress and pink shoes and a sweet smile just like her father's! I saw Tati gazing ( with a look so honest only children make) at her father that I had this urge to draw her in my arms. My first love with a kid, I guess.

Later that morning, one of our other co-worker joked that "her daddy's going away" and she cried clinging to his feet. People could be so tactless sometimes, really. For a moment there, I wanted to snap at that person, but I controlled myself because I don't want to let them know that there's something going between JV and me. I've been playing this scene over and over in my mind and I begin to wonder if choosing not to have a child is the right path for me.

Maybe I'm missing something. But then, relationships are fragile. I remember JV sharing with me one conversation he had with her, when she asked him when he'll be home and he wasn't able to answer as honestly as he would to an adult. My heart broke for him. I don't know if I could subject my would-be-child to that kind of circumstance in case my relationship with the father doesn't work.

Anyone who have visited this blog would know JV, as he has been the subject of my many rantings here. It's a bit hard to admit in public that I cannot call him my own, as I have shared in my previous post. He is legally free, fyi. It's just that he has responsibilities that he needs to address even before he met me. He'll be less than a man if he would just abandon them and I'd be less than a woman if I'd let him, and which case this relationship will lose its meaning if we will become less of what we are, right. We almost said goodbye, I even wrote him a goodbye loveletter, but he came back so maybe there is hope for us. And so, I want to take this relationship slow.

But god!, I hate the waiting...waiting...