souls and sadness





"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." ~Emily Bronte

This I realized in the last 4 days that JV was here.


Actually, when at 7pm last Friday I haven't heard his knock at my door, I just resigned myself to an "alone" weekend. I was playing my favorite Red Hot Chilli Peppers concert at Slane Castle on my dvd when he arrived at around 10. At that moment I saw him smiling on my doorstep, I knew in my heart that this person is THE special one. The first thing he said, "Are you playing that for me?" with a naughty grin. And I said, "What do you think?" Sometimes, we play hide-and-seek games like this because it gives us time to recover from that initial unsure footing of our feelings for each other. But despite the warmth, I sensed something's wrong with him, he sounded sad. I did not press, though. We talked till 2 in the morning of Saturday, catching up with our separate lives in the past two weeks we haven't seen each other. This is a good exercise for us, I think, when we pick each other's minds in the course of our conversations.


We slept a good part of Saturday morning then I cooked him "Nilagang Baka"( Beef Stew) for lunch. I like cooking for him. Then we talked some more, had a couple of beers, then he goes back sleep again. He just wakes up to eat or to drink water, then goes back to sleep again. But I let him be, I know something's bothering him and he needs to be alone.


It was Sunday when he spoke of it. He was talking of his little girl, he says he's excited to see her this coming weekend, on how he misses her. That made him sad, being apart from her. He talked about his family, about his life in Iligan and all his college experiences. He says that now, there are only two people in this world to whom he can open up his real feelings. That's his mother, and me. For the first time, I saw him shed silent tears and my heart went out for him. I asked him what is it and he said he doesn't know. He's feeling blue, that's all. I know that showing his vulnerability is hard for him...pride is a foolish mask, but don't we all wear them?

Ah! If I only could carry his burden for him, but I know he won't let me. I know him so. All I can promise is that I will always be here.

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